Wickid Space

Posts Tagged ‘underway’

I have spent the last couple days in deep thought and a small bout of depression. I am about to go underway yet again and it just isn’t as easy as it was a year or two ago. When my first wife left me, going underway was easy and every time was a new experience. This one is a lot harder knowing that there is a one year old child involved in my life. Eli is just a little boy but I was gone for 2 straight days and he would not let me go when I got home from work today. From what Bevvy has said, he spent the last 2 days saying, “da-da” like he was asking where I was. It was sweet to know that he misses me and I sit here now with a beer in my hand and wonder what exactly goes through his mind when I am not there at night to play with him. I know it easy for Bevvy either but this is a new “adventure” so to speak for her. She told me last night that she promises not to cry when I leave but I know for a fact when I walk out of my front door tomorrow and leave her here for two months without me that she will break down and cry. I know this for a fact even though she tries to hide it. Ironically, she is my better half. She is the strong, silent type that will not really say what is on her mind and I am the loud, obnoxious one that will speak my mind no matter what it is. Most of you know this fact already and yeah you are probably thinking, ” well duh you are loud and obnoxious” and that’s okay with me.

As most of you are probably thinking and saying to yourselves, “well aren’t you worried about what she is going to do while you are gone?” and just so you know so it will set your mind at ease, is yes I still have those fears and I will always have those fears no matter how long it is that I am with someone because I just don’t know what goes on when I’m gone. I still have trust issues because of some of the choices that I have made but this one is different. I have known her for 3 years and yes that isn’t really a long time but i know her front to back and inside and out.

I’ll tell you a quick story. I went to Burger King one night to get food for me and the ex-girlfriend. I hadn’t seen Bevvy in about a year or so and when I walked in I immediately recognized her by the back of her head and her ass. Ask her about that night, she’ll tell you the same thing. It seems kinda funny to me that after about a year and a half of not seeing this woman, that one chance night of walking in to where she works and recognizing her by the back of her head and her ass tells you something. We still have our quirks and the things about us that we don’t see eye to eye on, but everybody has those with a significant other. We have looked past all of this because everyone of our friends and some of our family has seen the change in my character.

Ask anyone in my family how I am now compared to how I was in March and April. I was angry all of the time and I was happy as hell to stay at work late. Now, I want to come home early all of the time and all I want to do is spend time with her. These last couple days have been a major test of the stress level of what we can handle. I’m angry and cranky when I come home from work because  I have been there too long and I just want to come home and relax. I have fallen asleep on her so many times and she gets upset with me about it because I tell her that I want to do things that night and then I end up falling asleep. She gets mad at herself because she gets mad at me and then she feels bad. I tell her not to worry about it because the way she is feeling is natural.

I am a little better at hiding the way I feel and the way I handle my stress. Then again, I am loud and obnoxious so it makes it a lot easier for me. I can tell when she has something serious on her mind and when she isn’t feeling good or when she is upset about something. She’ll tell me she is fine but I know better. You can ask her about that too and she will tell you the same thing. She is my better half.

Well, this was supposed to be about me going underway tomorrow and feeling depressed but it seems to me that I have pretty much spilled what has been on my mind as of late. So tomorrow I leave for sea and those who know how to contact me please send me those emails that you know I love to see. I will keep in touch with as many people as I possibly can and write you as often as I can.

Later Daze

Wickid